this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
