never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
