She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
