I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
