Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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