im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
