you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
