I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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