Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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