i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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