my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
