He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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