Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
