in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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