Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
