i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
