I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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