she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
