My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
As shirtless as possible
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
