Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
