Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
