once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
