You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
