every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
