She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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