You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
