new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I checked into jail on foursquare
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
