Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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