Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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