Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
