I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
