In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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