Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
