I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
