Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
