How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
