You're so nebulous sometimes
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
