She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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