i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
