I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
