1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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