turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
