i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
