I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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