Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
