wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
