Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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