She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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