smell my finger.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
