Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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