So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
